


Well-laid Plans

by terma_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Bad Fic, Humor, M/M, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-01
Updated: 1999-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26535733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terma_archivist/pseuds/terma_archivist
Summary: Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atTER/MAand was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address onthe TER/MA collection profile.CATEGORY: V, H (?), M/K Slash, really BADFIC! For Karen, and a memorable night of lap dances from a man named Maverick.TER/MA September 1999 Challenge. It is time to have some fun.  This is one everybody is capable of doing, I think.  Even the best writers among us.  *g* So, we all read a lot of slash, right?  And we have all run across stories or mistakes so bad, we groan in misery and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking.  We all have little terms and pet peeves we hate to see in stories. Well this month's challenge is to write badfic.  I want to see stories that make me laugh they are so dreadful.  I want weeping manpoles, pendulous nutbags, winking puckered starfish of love, glistening bosoms...wait—that is the wrong genre.  If you mean you're, I want your.  Two,to and too can come and go at will.  Go find the worst mistakes you can , and write a story which includes them.  Whatever you do, DONT beta.  Write it at 5 in the morning after drinking 5 cups of expresso and not sleeping for 48 hours.  Or write it after having 18 shots of tequilla (or the poison of your choice). Whatever doesn't work for you.  Make it so dreadful, you can't read it without hanging your head in mock shame. And above all, have fun with it... --- OK, word of warning here.  These are really dreadful.  All are NC-17 for really bad taste.  If you looking for a good read, go elsewhere.
Relationships: Alex Krycek/Fox Mulder
Collections: TER/MA





	Well-laid Plans

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alicettlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [TER/MA](https://fanlore.org/wiki/TER/MA) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [the TER/MA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/terma/profile).  
> CATEGORY: V, H (?), M/K Slash, really BADFIC! For Karen, and a memorable night of lap dances from a man named Maverick.   
> TER/MA September 1999 Challenge. It is time to have some fun. This is one everybody is capable of doing, I think. Even the best writers among us. *g* So, we all read a lot of slash, right? And we have all run across stories or mistakes so bad, we groan in misery and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking. We all have little terms and pet peeves we hate to see in stories. Well this month's challenge is to write badfic. I want to see stories that make me laugh they are so dreadful. I want weeping manpoles, pendulous nutbags, winking puckered starfish of love, glistening bosoms...wait—that is the wrong genre. If you mean you're, I want your. Two,to and too can come and go at will. Go find the worst mistakes you can , and write a story which includes them. Whatever you do, DONT beta. Write it at 5 in the morning after drinking 5 cups of expresso and not sleeping for 48 hours. Or write it after having 18 shots of tequilla (or the poison of your choice). Whatever doesn't work for you. Make it so dreadful, you can't read it without hanging your head in mock shame. And above all, have fun with it... --- OK, word of warning here. These are really dreadful. All are NC-17 for really bad taste. If you looking for a good read, go elsewhere.

  
**Well-laid Plans  
by Isahunter**

  
It wasn't easy seeing a lover in the arms of another woman. He knew, because it had happened to him twice before. But now, as he stoof here, staring agape in the doorway of the Watergate hotel room, he couldnt believe his shimmering hazel eyes. He stuck out his lower lip, pouting attractively, hoping to get a bit of sympathy, only to be greatly annoyed as the two women kept on with their business, moaning in extasy. 

"Diana, how could you?" 

Just then, the door to the ajoining room opened and Alex keycek gasped in shock. "Marita, how could you?" 

Noither woman looked particularly pleased to have their newfound, passionate affair ended so abruptly. Sighing bitterly, Diana tossed the covers over her willowy yet undoubtly spider-veined legs and tossed a scowl in Mulder's direction. "Do you mind?" 

"Yeah," Krychek called from the other doorway, "I thought you loved Scully,anyway?" 

"Do I, cause I'm never really sure? See, first season I was suspicious of her; second season she was abducted and I slept with that vampire chick in my misery. I'm really lucky she didn't decide to bite my dick. Then there was third season, when I thought I was making a lot of ground with Scully, but I wasn't so sure by fourth season..." 

The others let out a collective groan. 

"Fifth season Scully got cancer and I thought she might die, so I took her eggs but never told her about it, and she had a child, which I'm still really confused about who the father was, but the kid died and I mysteriously started wearing this wedding ring which may or may not mean I was married to Diana..." 

"are you almost done?" 

"I haven't even gotten to the movie yet." 

Marita sat up, eyes still black with alien goo—oooh, goo, thought Mulder, itching to stick his fingers in it—and crossed her arms over her glistening breasts. "If you really don't mind, I'd like to finish screwing her over and stealing something from her like I did to Krycek." 

Mulder and Krycke shared a look. "well, in that case...I could use a beer." 

Following Mulder out the door, Krycek watched his casual swagger, noting the well-formed shape of his ass. You could bounce a quarter off of that thing. Not to mention all the wet dreams he had (yes, even at his age) about Mulder in those red speedos. Damn the man was hung...and that had even been when he was wet and shrivled. 

"What do you say we forget going to the bar and just go back to my hotel room?" he suggested with a waggle of his eyebrows. 

"What for?" 

"Oh, i don't know...maybe a little room service. I'm sure I could give you something to fill you up. A little salami maybe. Put it between some nice soft buns, lots of mayo." 

"I'm not really hungry, Krycek." 

"Thristy then? Maybe a nice creme soda?" 

"Well, a rich foamy long neck sounds nice." 

Krycek grinned, leering. "Oooh, baby, you know what I like." 

"I don't know...I don't trust you. You killed my father, and Scully's sister, and you're blackmailing Skinner—" 

"You're not supposed to know about that." 

"Oh yeah." Mulder mentally slapped himself, reminding himself not to mention anything else he and Big Wally discussed outside the bedroom. "But what about the other stuff?" 

"I'm just misunderstood. See, I'm really a freedom fighter, working for the greater good of the world." 

"Well, in that case, lead the way Skippy." 

They were barely through the door of the hotel room when Krycek shoved his tongue down Mulder's throat. "adllll elalll ly leddll" Mulder said, which roughly translated meant, "what about my sandwich?" 

Throughly sweeping the other man's tonsils with his wet appendige, Krycek, the ruthless killer, man in black, Consortium driver, Russian con-artist, and sometimes stripper (when low on cash) named "Gabriel," gave Mulder a kiss he'd never forget. Not that he'd forgotten the last one, but this one was much better, deeper, and lustier, and made his cock poke out like one of those red plastic meat thermometers on a turkey. 

When Krycke finally pulled away, Mulder had to wipe the saliva off his chin. "What the hell did you do that for?" 

"Who needs women anyway, when i can have a hunk of kosher man meat like you?" 

Mulder thought about it for a minute and decided Alex was right. Everyone knew Scully was an ice princess anyway, and he'd probably never get into her pants, despite the fact that she had a tattoo and had recently taken to wearing shirts so revealing he finally got to see cleavage he'd never known existed. But that was beside the point, because CC and company would never actually let them do the wild thing, unless in the next movie...but even that much was a wild shot. AND Krycek was studly rebel whose every move screamed sex and whose eyes were as green as those swamp gases that everyone mistook for ghosts, and who smelled like cowhide and sweat and sin and gunpowder and musky maleness. 

Stripping out of his clothes like a man possessed, Mulder whipped out his gigantic hunk of burnin love and offered it up for the other man's worship. 

With a slight trace of deja vu, Krycek said, "Watch where you point that thing." 

Mulder couldn't resist sticking his fingers in the goo oozing out of the head of his throbbing rod. Popping his fingers between his pouty lips, he said, "Mmm, sawl-tee!" 

Turned on beyond belief, Alex threw off his clothes (but left on the boots, because he couldn't bear being without just a little bit of leather). 

He smiled a rarely seen but no doubt sexy smile, his well-laid plans quickly turning into plans to to get laid well. "I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside..." 

Mulder frowned slightly at the familiar words, but paid no attention as he stared in rapt attention at the coconut-sized balls hanging between the other man's legs. He couldn't wait to feel that sweet milk sliding down his throat, shooting against his uvula from the turgid purple-headed cyclops staring at him with it's weeping eye. Within seconds, they were in each other arms...well, as close as they could get with both of their enormously engorged cocks pressed between them. 

"Oh fuck me, you backstabbing, plam-weilding, tape-stealing rat boy!" 

"I really prefer man." 

"Whatever." 

"Oh yes, love muffin. I'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll go into a coma and see the stars." 

"Sorry, already did that." 

"Oh...well, how about if I fuck you so hard you'll think you've become someone else and can't even remember your own name?" 

"Nope, sorry, did that too." 

"well, shit. I guess you'll just have to fuck me than." 

"Ok!" 

"You don't even need any lube. I've been around. I fuck anything that moves. Even some things that don't." 

"Queequeg?" 

"Once. Not very satisfying." Bending over, Krycek grabbed his ankles. 

"Let's get it on." 

Wasting no more time, Mulder shoved his swollen member in the other man's fudge tunnel, screwing it in like a golf tee in turf. It was a tight fit, like a glove that had gotten wet and then shrunk as it dried, but damn it felt like heaven. Pistoning in and out with a sensual rhythm he'd learned from the porno masters, Mulder spewed his creamy jism in Krycek's puckered hole, cumming with Tarzan-like yell of pure masculine pleasure. His eyes brimming with tears of love for the man buried in his ass, Krycek squirted his load all over the shiny black leather of his boots. Exhausted with deep emotions, they both collapsed onto the bed in a sweaty, hairy, muscly, sticky heap. 

"I love you, sweetums...I was just too shy to admit it. I thought you might think I was a freak just like all the others." 

"Never, my Alexei-poo. I just wish I'd known earlier, so I didn't have to turn to Skinner in my need. The hard ass uses me as his whore whenever the mood suits him. You'll never know just how hard it is coming up with excuses for why he wants to see me, and not Scully. The bastard actually had the nerve to laugh when Scully came in once and I had to remain perfectly still under his desk with his dick in my mouth." 

Alex gently wiped away Mudler's tears and kissed him on the end of his well-endowed nose. "there, there Spooky. it's all over now. I'll take good care of you." 

"And what about me?" a muffled voice called from the closet. 

"I told you to shut the hell up, Spender!" 

Mulder frowned. "I thought he was dead?" 

"Yeah, and I thought Diana was a man in drag...go figure." 

"But what about Scully?" 

"What about her?" 

"She'll be crushed when she finds out I don't love her. This is my life after all, my cases, my work. Without me, she'll have nothing. She doesn't even have her own desk." 

"Tell me about it," Scully said, suddenly standing quite fortuitously in the doorway. "But your contract is up, and I just signed on for another two years with CC. I'm going to take over the X-files and the Consortium and rule the world all by myself! Who's laughing now? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" 

Mulder looked at Krycek, Krycek looked at Mulder, and they both shrugged. Taking a hold of each other's stiffened fuck noodles, they grinned. 

"Now where were we?" 

END

* * *

TITLE: "Well-laid Plans"   
AUTHOR: Isahunter   
RATING: NC17   
CATEGORY: V, H (?), M/K Slash, _really_ BADFIC!   
ARCHIVE: If you're sick enough to want it, I'd be afraid to say no to you!   
FEEDBACK: [email removed]   
DISCLAIMER: All characters from "The X-Files" belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen, Fox. No infringement intended.   
For Karen, and a memorable night of lap dances from a man named Maverick.   
---


End file.
